My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
