Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
