you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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