I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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