Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
