I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
