my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.