dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.