I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
