new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
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