You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
as a side note pls kill me
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
