You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
