He asked to "fluff my boner.."
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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