I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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