It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
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Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
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So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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