I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
