handjob tips. give me some.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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