He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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