If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
