4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!