She's like a pop up book from hell.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
