I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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