A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
