i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
