I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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