So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
