So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
