Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
