i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
