I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
