My hand turned me down
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
that's an acceptable place to lick
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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