What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
