I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
