Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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