I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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