got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
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