I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
