this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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