I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
