I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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