I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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