I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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