so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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