You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
