I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Randomize
