how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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