Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
