Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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