i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
