We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
