While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
