i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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