ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
