don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize