thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
