Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
it's not cheating when I paid for it
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
3pm strippers are depressing
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Pooping to opera.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
